Heartache

 I know that it sounds selfish when I say I wish people would care about me. I feel that in my time on this earth, that I have looked to try and help others and do what I can so that they feel supported and loved. That's what I feel that I don't have. Over the years, due to various different shortcomings on my part, I have let people down or just flat out betrayed them and that has caused them to turn away from me. The affection that I have had for those people has never faded away. I have never been the best communicator and that has been a crucial element in the downfall of my character and has damaged my all of my relationships with people. I just want to feel like I matter to people. The one person now that I have been holding on to by the thinnest thread I feel is ready to snap. She is caught up so much in the emotional and physical drama that she has been enduring these past months that I feel selfish if I dare have the thought about mentioning anything about me. I listen and I try and offer any insight that I can so that she may feel as supported as much as I could possibly provide. I know that my thoughts get in the way of being able to do that as well as I could. 

    It's bad enough that I am an overthinker with thoughts racing all day and night and every minute of everyday I feeling like I'm experiencing a real life nightmare that isn't actually happening because it's all in my head. Maybe these are things I should be talking about. But to who? Over these past couple of years, I have come to the realization that I have problems. Problems that I knew I always had but tried to brush them under the rug and forget about them until they made themselves known again and ruin anything good that I may have had going in my life. I have no to blame but myself for that. I lay awake at night crying because of all the thoughts of the people that I have either hurt or are currently hurting. 

    I feel selfish for any time in the past that I felt that I needed to take a moment for myself because I was allowing what I thought was the weight of the world on my shoulders to weigh me down and break me. I should have been stronger. I shouldn't have let denial of a problem get in the way of me getting help. Even now as I write this and I am starting to tear up. I don't want to lose the people that I have left but I feel that they are already gone. How do you stop loving someone that doesn't love you anymore?