What's wrong with me?

  I was hoping to get some quiet time to myself today but that didn't happen. My sister did not go to work today even it is normally a work day for her. No clients today I guess. Yesterday I spent 2 different instances with Hannah. She said she wanted to spent time with me. She grabbed my hand and held it for moment and gave it a kiss. Maybe there is a part of her that craves to have what she and I had back. Especially now with everything that has gone on with her but that is probably a long shot in my opinion. That's my overthinking at work. Trying to rationalize something that can't be rationalized.  She finally acknowledged a message a sent a while ago stating that even though she didn't respond that it wasn't true. She wasn't sure that there was anything that she could that could comfort me especially given the headspace that she has been in for a while. When I sent the message I tried to be considerate of that which is what I told her and she knew what I was trying to say and stated that it wasn't offensive or hurtful and could tell what place I was saying it from. 

    We went to the store to get a few things that she needed. Had a small lunch and then I accompanied her to a doctor's appointment. Afterwards she dropped me off. She gave me a call about a couple of hours later asking if I wanted to have dinner with her and the kids because they were having a medium power hour and didn't want to be stuck at home during that time. She had asked Justin first but he declined the offer. I honestly didn't want to go but opted to anyway. I don't like saying no to people because I always have this desire to please people but I wanted to go at the same time. Maybe just see how things may play out...I really don't know. I also asked to message me when she got back to let me know she was safe and didn't until about 4 hours later. Better late than never I guess. 

    Yesterday I said that I wouldn't ask my sister again this week to give me a haircut. I caved today because I am desperate for a haircut. Desperate enough that I am thinking about just buzzing my hair off. I've asked 4 times within a week and 3 out of those 4 times she had her tools with her to do the job. The way my mind works, I feel that she is doing it on purpose even though she probably isn't. There just can't be a way that has forgotten after every time that I have asked. Maybe I should have included the information that I have to virtual interviews coming up and I would like to look clean cut. That's what happened last time although that was a in-person interview. 

    The environment that I am is different from the previous one but I still feel the same. I still feel alone. I feel like no one cares. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I'm back at the point of thinking would anyone even notice if I were gone? I get this feeling of inferiority and I can't shake it. I let everyone down around me and I burden them.